Over the years I’ve noticed my mood changes when the weather changes. Like most people, in the spring and summer I’m pretty happy. But when the fall season starts to come I imagine somewhere in my brain there are all these little monsters who take up residence and it’s their sole job to wreck havoc with my mood. If they can’t succeed in making me really depressed, than they tend to settle for just detached and a little irritable. It’s in these moments that I wish I had a team of “ghost busters” to come into my brain and rid myself of these terrible creatures.
How much of this is bipolar disorder and how much is “normal?”
I think those of us who have learned to manage bipolar disorder can get pretty hyper-sensitive about our moods. Maybe monitoring ourselves to the point of over analysis. But I have to say it’s really difficult to strike a balance between what is just a natural reaction to circumstances and what is the ugly illness that rears it’s head.
But it is true there is actually an illness called Seasonal Affective Disorder. When the seasons change the lovely depression is ushered in. She sits in a powerful position sucking the life out of her victims. She brings a cloud of fog that gets sprayed directly into the frontal lobe, making memory, concentration and just wanting to get out of bed a challenge. If depression were a person with a name, I’d call her a B**CH. And sorry ladies I hate to pick on the females, but depression certainly has the male version as well. That’s the irritable, mean party where nothing that comes out of my mouth is positive. That depression is clearly a male and he is a B***TARD.
So just when I think I’m going to spend most of my time writing thoughtful articles about vulnerability and maybe even start writing about other topics as well. I got stopped in my tracks with a nasty episode that’s kind of dragging it’s way through my nice little life. I can blame it all on the weather, except the past few days have been beautiful. Blue skies and sunshine. Not very depressing.
At the end of the day, I’m just taking a deep breath and accepting what is. I’m gonna go to sleep early and get up at the crack of dawn. I’m always hopeful the fog will lift in the morning. But with a mood disorder, you never know what you’re gonna get. It’s sneaky like that…not very reliable.
Before I sign off I just have to say, “I HATE depression.” There. That made me feel better.