“As I lie in my bed trying to squeeze out the suicidal thoughts, the horrific pain of being all alone without one friend in the entire world, and the mortifying realization that in that moment I couldn’t care for myself, I turned to what had always gotten me through the tough times. I turned to my anchor, which is my faith in God.”
There are a lot of stereotypes and misunderstandings about bipolar disorder and those of us who live with it on a daily basis are subject to these misperceptions. Just last week I was giving a talk at a conference on the stigma of mental illness and addiction. Most of the feedback was positive, but there was one person who said, “Bipolar disorder is an excuse for bad behavior.”
After speaking for an hour on stigma and sharing some very personal stories about bipolar disorder, the needle never moved in this person’s mind. And then I realized most people have absolutely no clue what those of us who have lived a lifetime with the impact of bipolar disorder have struggled through. I’ve never once thought bipolar disorder was an excuse for anything. A reason, yes. An excuse, never.
My first episode was way back in 1999. I was a director in a corporate office with a multi-million budget to manage. Not only did I have a manic episode, I had a psychotic episode. I ended up in an inpatient psychiatric care facility, which made me feel crazy. And when people questioned my views and insights, I wondered if they thought I was crazy too?
Over the next 12 years, I struggled through 10 hospitalizations, a three-week stay in jail and worst of all losing most, if not all of my friends and some family members. No one wants to be around people who are not mentally well. It’s just a fact. Maybe after a first episode, people may give you the benefit of the doubt. But when the struggle goes on, everyone including family members get worn down.
I was fortunate. I had a few strong and tough family members who have borne witness to my entire journey. They stood with pride when I became an Olympian. They dealt with their own disappointment when I started to struggle with my mental health. And they hung on to see me recover and flourish again. They believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.
I was also isolated for a long stretch of time. I went weeks without having any family member in my home. But I had two things that helped me bear the unbearable pain and suffering of relentless depression and suicidal thoughts. I had my three dogs who I absolutely consider a gift from God. And I also had my faith.
As I lie in my bed trying to squeeze out the suicidal thoughts, the horrific pain of being all alone without one friend in the entire world, and the mortifying realization that in that moment I couldn’t care for myself, I turned to what had always gotten me through the tough times. I turned to my anchor, which is my faith in God.
Did prayer instantly solve my struggles? No. But it gave me hope. And in those moments of struggle and despair, hope is the one thing that kept me going. And that is why I feel anchored, even though managing bipolar disorder can wear me down. I keep going because I’m driven by a higher power. I’m driven to help other people. I have found my calling. And I am grateful to have a purpose.
If you’re struggling with a mental health condition, I can tell you the first thing you’ve got to do is work on getting stable. If you have bipolar disorder, a treatment plan is 99.9% always going to include a medication regimen. There’s just no and’s, if’s, but’s or reason to think you’re going to be the only person in the world who can manage a chronic, severe mental illness without medication. If that’s your choice and it works for you – great. But from experience I can tell you it’s not gonna work out well.
Secondly, I believe in mind, body and spirit. When you combine getting stable with a personal recovery plan, spirituality is a big component of being well and balanced.
It helps to take small pieces of this very overwhelming journey to manage a mental illness. And the one thing that’s required to have a healthy and happy life is a lot of hard work.
For those of you reading who have family members struggling, I just want to reach out and give you a big hug. It’s not easy being you. But whatever you do, don’t give up hope. You’ve got to become the best salesperson in the world in selling to your loved one the whole idea that it’s okay to get help. In fact, it’s a sign of strength to reach out.
Finally I want to finish by saying thank you to all my readers. I’ve been blogging now for over four years. Those who’ve been with me along the way know what journey it has been. Thanks for all your support. It matters.