Perfection is hard on our mental health

As hard as I try to hold myself to high standards, I’ve discovered I’m not a machine. I still look in the mirror and find a human being looking back at me, with all of my flaws, faults and positives as well.

Sometimes I expect so much from myself, when I make a mistake or say something wrong I ruminate over it. I’m terribly hard on myself, especially when I make mistakes or hurt someone’s feelings. Perfection, as we all know, is impossible. Yet, it’s something I’ve had to fight through most of my life.

A lot of people I’m sure can relate to what it’s like to strive for perfection. When you’re an Olympic athlete, high standards, drive, determination and – yes – sometimes even perfection helps us land on the world stage.

Then, the game is over and real life begins.

I’ve spent much time and resources in therapy over the years learning how to not ruminate over mistakes and learn how to give myself a break. I practice forgiveness of self and others. When I make mistakes I try to learn from it and quickly pick up the pieces and move forward.

Every now and then I hit a bump in the road. My healthy coping strategies go out the window and I land myself back into the swirl of playing the mistakes over and over and over again. Why did I do that? Why did I say that? How could I have done this better?

~sigh~

What I have learned is – there is really a tremendous amount of freedom in owning our truths. I own my perfectionism. I let it play out a little. I give myself a break. I learn from my mistakes. I might get frustrated. I might cry (much more rare for me). I shake my head. I smile. I laugh at myself.

And then…

I move on.

Because I have learned over the years if we hold on to perfection for too long and let it rule our lives, it will really take a dent in our mental health. It can trigger obsessive thinking, interupt sleep with thoughts that won’t stop and the list is goes on and on.

I’m very quick to forgive other people when they have wronged me. I’m learning it’s okay to quickly forgive myself too.

Here’s to recognizing our human imperfection! It’s okay not to be perfect. 🙂

Amy Gamble

 

 

A story of bipolar disorder and courage

Courage

It takes courage to pick yourself up after any kind of loss or hardship.  But the kind of courage I’ve seen from my friend, Hunter has been filled with real live parallels and life lessons.  Hunter is a 27 year old who has bipolar disorder.  And he is currently staying in a state mental hospital as a result of a psychotic episode.

Hunter is a brilliant young man who had his first psychotic episode while he was in college at the University of Colorado.  He was quickly diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but like me and many other people, he didn’t realize how serious one must get about learning how to manage the condition.

From the time of his first episode about four years passed.  He struggled with inpatient hospital stays and never really got stabilized.  After a manic and psychotic episode Hunter had the misfortune of being arrested and charged for running into people in the drive through lane at a McDonalds.  He wasn’t thinking clearly, got scared and ran into the car in front and the car behind him.  No one was hurt.

But…

Hunter was thrust into the criminal justice system.  After nearly two years in jail his case finally made it into court.  He pled not guilty by reason of insanity and was sent to Patton State Hospital in California.  A year has already passed since he has been there.

Even though he has been through so much and doesn’t really know when he will be released, he maintains a positive attitude.  Yesterday he talked about the possibility of him getting a job in the hospital and perhaps taking a class.  Some days he finds it difficult to get out of bed and go to his video class.  He struggles with coming to terms with why he didn’t get the help he needed.  He wants to release his emotions, but he’s just been through so much it’s very difficult.

Although I haven’t been institutionalized for more than three weeks, I can relate to Hunter.  It wasn’t that many years ago that I struggled to get out of bed.  The grief process I went through over the losses I experienced was intensely consuming.  And sometimes the loss of my very promising business career and lifestyle that matched haunts me.  But it also gives me the wisdom to share in real time with Hunter authentic emotions.  It gives me the ability to simply say, “I understand.”

Experiences and stories don’t have to be the same to touch upon a deep level of compassion that exists for one another.  There is no one with bipolar disorder who has not struggled.  It’s a very difficult illness to manage.  Some people deal with it by harnessing the positive extra energy one can have while hypomanic.  Others try to make sense of their psychosis experiences.  Some people paint it as a gift.  Personally, I choose to call it a worthy opponent.  Something I must continually work at to beat.

Those of us who live with bipolar disorder all have one thing in common:  we all have the courage to get out of bed in the morning.  It gives us the ability to face the fear of experiencing sometimes disabling symptoms.  It challenges us to remake our lives and deal with disappointments.

It takes courage to not give up trying, even though it may be hard to keep on going.  Hunter is one of the most courageous people I know and one of the most important people in my life.  He encourages me, inspires me and fuels my passion for mental health advocacy.  He is my example of a person who forges ahead even though he doesn’t know what the future may hold.

I hope I can do the same thing.

“Courage is being scared to death…and saddling up anyway.”  ~John Wayne

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am not a failure, am I?

Sometimes I Feel Like A Failure

Does having a mental illness make you feel like a failure? As much as I know I am far from a failure I still have my moments when I look at former colleagues and think, “What the heck happened to me?” Of course I know exactly what happened—mental illness dropped on my doorstep and interrupted my life, as I once knew it, but sometimes I have to remind myself of this fact.

Believing we are failures because we have a mental illness is really part of self-stigma. It’s fits right under the category of blaming ourselves for having an illness. I suppose it is in part a way to try and make some sense out of various behaviors and in an effort to take back some control over the situation we point our fingers at the person looking back at us in the mirror.

Self-Stigma: Shame & Blame

In times when I am suffering with a depressive episode I shame myself into believing it’s my fault, as if I really have any control over the illness. The shame makes the situation far worse and really adds to the bad feelings I already have about myself. I made a point to stop the shaming the last time I was sick. It’s already hard enough as it is to get well again but I learned I needed to be a better friend to myself.

Why Can’t I Be “Normal?”

If only I was normal I wouldn’t have to deal with all these things. Mental illness can take you out of mainstream society. It can interrupt your life with hospitalizations, frequent doctor visits, therapy, medication side effects, loss of work and all these things can cause a withdrawal from life. Stepping out of my daily course of living has made me feel like a complete failure. And then the voice of reason kicks in and I hear myself say, “If it weren’t for bipolar disorder life would be different.”

Finding Inspiration

I’m sure not everyone who experiences a mental illness has felt like a failure. But I am willing to bet many people have and I want to speak to those people. I want to tell them to lift up your head and hold it high; hold back your shoulders and walk with confidence; start believing you are so strong because you have faced off with adversity and you have won; you are a valuable member to the community; and you will find your way to recovery. Above all you are not a failure.

Mental illness can cause so much pain and many personal struggles. I have learned that I cannot give it any more power over me than what it deserves. I have approached it in a way that says, “I have a mental illness and it’s not my fault, and I’m going to pick up the pieces and move forward with my life. No mental illness is going to stop me from living a healthy, happy and productive life.” It’s my mantra and I believe it!