Every now and then I take a walk down memory lane and revisit some of my worst experiences in living with a mental illness. Usually I only do this if I need to retrieve this information for a specific purpose. In the most recent example it was because I was writing my story for Mental Health Talk.
The interesting things I found was that after years of wandering when I actually had the onset of bipolar disorder I realized that I had actually been living with the illness for as long as I could remember. It came out loud and clear when I wrote about my bed ridden depressive episodes and the way I can look at pictures over the years and pin point exactly the times I was suffering with depression. A weight gain here, a weight loss there…my body was showing the physical signs of depression and mania. When I was depressed I always went for more sweets and a lot of them. When I experienced mania I had little to no need to eat anything. The end result was a fluctuation on the scale.
It was like a light bulb went off in my brain. The vicious cycle of untreated bipolar disorder would rear its’ ugly head through isolating symptoms where you just don’t want to socialize or do anything with any friends because you are sick. Sometimes I knew I didn’t feel well and other times I just didn’t have a word or words I could put with what I was experiencing.
The writing has helped me immensely put into words my thoughts and feelings about how I have experienced bipolar disorder. It seems that when I am putting pen to paper I am giving a part of me a voice that has otherwise been silent all these years. In the past I didn’t have enough knowledge about my illness to know that the symptoms I was experiencing in fact were not normal. I guess I thought everyone needed to stay in bed beyond noon to feel well from time to time. I certainly thought most people could stay awake for a day or two and not feel badly! I didn’t know this is what you call mania. How was I supposed to automatically know something was wrong with me?
How do we know if we are struggling with a mental illness? In something fairly obvious like bipolar disorder it helps to have other people in your life that can point out the fact that something is wrong. It also helps to be open minded enough to listen to what they have to say. There have been times when I was in so much denial that even when I was told, “your sick,” I wasn’t going to listen anyhow.
Finally after 13 years of struggling with on again off again medications, I eventually found a treatment regimen that seems to be working well. Of course I am striving for complete symptom resolution and that may not be possible. But I would like to experience a long period of remission, if I can just get to that point I will be elated.