From Olympic Athlete to Bipolar Patient, Who am I really?

I recently wrote my bipolar journey for Mental Health Talk.  Trish, the founder of the site has lots of opportunity for those people who are living with a Mental Illness to share their stories.

If you are interested in reading about my journey from being an Olympian to getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder here is the link to Mental Health Talk:

http://mentalhealthtalk.info/bipolar-olympic-athlete

I would also encourage people who want to share their stories get in contact with Trish.  The more people who share the better opportunity we all have to continue to knock down stigma and to let others know they are not alone in this battle.

Struggling with Depression

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I am slowly waking up from a bipolar depressive episode. I raise my head up, look at the calendar and ask, “Where has all the time gone?” I may have seemed like I was present the past few months, but I’ve really just been hanging in there fighting the depression symptoms.

When I start to feel better I often find myself tempted to ruminate about the past. Oh the days when life was so much better—the times when I had friends over for dinner—oh heck just the times when I had some friends to call. How lonely life can become when you struggle with a mental illness. Especially when you struggle with depression, an illness that causes you to isolate yourself from others.

I contemplated taking a walk today, but I haven’t gotten there yet. I don’t know what I’m waiting for other than the symptoms from my latest medication to “wear off.” I think the doctor got carried away with pushing the dose of the new medication and the side effects are starting to cause me to sleep longer. I am so frustrated, it’s as if I’m constantly beating my head against the wall wondering when the wall is gonna break yet knowing that is not possible.

I want relief. Relief from the loneliness. I want involvement and yet I don’t know if I can keep my commitments. I want friends. Yet I don’t know if I have anything to talk about except my illness struggles and my past successes. Who wants to sit around hearing old tales about the past? People live in the present. They have lives. I feel like I have an existence. I try hard to stay positive and look for opportunities to “live.” But in all actuality I am struggling day by day with lingering depressive symptoms.

Depression keeps me from living to my potential. Sometimes the best I can do is get out of bed in the morning and that’s a huge accomplishment. The fact that I am trying to write is success. What I write is not inspiring or hopeful like I want it to be. I write about the struggle and the pain. I wish it could be different. All I can do is keep trying, that’s what I would tell a friend with the same challenge.

On a positive note, I do work part-time. It makes me put on my make-up and get out of the house. It’s not my ideal job, but it serves a lot of purposes. I work a few hours every week. Nothing I can’t handle even in the midst of fighting depression. I think about working more, but I don’t think I can handle it. I question my ability to handle stressful situations without triggering my illness.

So, I read and I write. Hoping that somehow I’ll get a pearl of wisdom to jump off the page into my heart. I might feel something click and maybe I’ll smile. Maybe I can relate to someone just like me and in that moment I won’t feel as bad.

 

 

Mental Illness Baggage and Coping

Serious Mental Illness Baggage

Serious mental illness-depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, OCD-come with a great deal of baggage. It does not mean that people can’t recover and go on to lead healthy, happy and productive lives. What I mean is that if we aren’t careful those of us living with a SMI will start to have a collection of negative past experiences that when compounded make it difficult to deal with.

This collection of baggage is something that usually begins with the onset of illness. It can include a negative experience from a hospitalization or with providers, it can be with a pile up of personal and financial losses, it simply can be an interruption of everyday life as we once knew it. One of the problems with all these things is how we cope and deal with it affects our mental health and we are already dealing with illnesses that impact our mental wellness.

My Experience with Bipolar Depression

I have a major bipolar depression problem that I have been fighting since I was in high school. It has taken me years to finally understand how the symptoms of depression manifest in my brain. Only within the past year have I been able to identify the negative thought process that often comes from the Lies Depression Tells You. But the reason I bring this up is to say that having depression makes it even more difficult to deal with the baggage. Sometimes it is just flat out more difficult to cope.

How I Cope

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand how losses have affected me. It wasn’t until today that I read an article that stated how difficult job losses are that I realized the impact my job loss had on me. I took some time to let the article digest and then I did a little exercise where I wrote down on paper all the things that happened as a result of that job loss.

For some reason writing things down seem to help validate the importance of them. It also has a way of releasing some of the negative emotions that come from holding it all in. It’s a coping strategy I am using more and more everyday.

In a time when politicians are trying to figure out what kind of changes they should make to the mental health system, I just get stuck on one fact–serious mental illnesses are difficult to live with but the point is many of us are living with these illnesses. We might not all be working in high paying jobs but many of us are dealing with the everyday baggage that has been left on our doorstep while maintaining our responsibilities as parents, caregivers, employees and as independent adults.

My hope is that we collectively will continue to share our thoughts and feelings about mental illness and in that sharing we can continue to find a peace of mind. At the end of the day it’s not going to be any one thing that helps us manage, but a collective number of things we do to help us live our lives. After all we deserve to have a life too!

The Lies Depression Tells You

Depression is…

I have been blessed not to have many physical ailments, however, I feel like I have been “cursed” with depression (I know that’s not true). Depression is the kind of illness that makes any physical illness worse. It affects the mind, body and spirit and does so with a relentless grip that causes emotional torment. A therapist once told me, “Depression tells you lies Amy. You can’t believe those lies.”

Given you know how terrible depression really is what do we do to survive through the episodes? What are some ways we can get through the times we are sick? If depression lies to us then who can tell us the truth and will we listen when they do?

The Lies Depression Told Me

I recently just got well from another major bipolar disorder depressive episode. It lasted about 4 ½ months. It got worse before it got better and it took a medication change to help me begin to feel better. I had a few suicidal thoughts but nothing like I have had in the past. Mostly the thoughts that said, “You’re never going to recover. You’ll always be depressed.” I knew that was a flat out lie and I knew right away that I was dealing with the symptoms of depression.

I survived this last episode by recognizing the lies immediately. I called them what they were and it seemed to stop the endless torment that can happen. I began to think about other things and kept acknowledging what I was dealing with. I gave myself a break and stopped beating myself up for sleeping 14-15 hours a day. I believed I could trust my doctor to prescribe the right medication, at the right dosage that was going to help me. When hope ran away I ran after it.

Surviving A Depressive Episode

What also helps me is to research specific topics about depression. This works if I can concentrate long enough to read the article because sometimes my concentration goes by the way side when depressed. But I focused on doing a little bit at a time—read a little here—research a little there. I read anything to get some form of relief.

It helped me to seek out positive stories about people who had recovered. I liked learning their stories and allowed myself to be lifted up by their celebrations. I turned to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance and explored some of their resources. I even returned to one of the DBSA peer group meetings.

5 Helpful Strategies

In summary here are the strategies I used to help me survive my last depressive episode:

1)   Recognize the symptoms and don’t believe the lies

2)   Have patience and forgiveness for not being able to complete daily activities

3)   Look for positive examples of people who have recovered—it will provide HOPE

4)   Look to someone you trust to help you (maybe a physician)

5)   Believe things will get better—they always do!