If I told you- you can overcome anything would you believe me?
Take two fingers and press gently on to the side of your neck. Do you feel it? If you’re reading these words you feel your heart beating. The source of life pumping blood through your veins. You’re alive today and everyday we are alive it is a gift. Even though sometimes life seems so incredibly hard.
I’ve been very blessed and maybe even a little cursed to have had so much time for inner reflection. Without reflection we don’t grow. We stay stuck in the habits and with the autopilot emotions we tell ourselves are really how we feel. We numb out with our socially acceptable glass of wine or beer or whatever other thing we use to hide, numb or bury painful emotions.
I’m a subject matter expert in being out of touch with feelings. Feelings can overwhelm our coping mechanisms. I spent years in therapy and with a library of self-help books just to be able to unravel the layers of complex emotions that make up my psyche.
I am a victim of trauma. All shapes and sizes of trauma. Sometimes the memory comes sneaking up on me like a shadow in the darkness intent on scaring me. Other moments I’m caught off guard and get triggered into a flashback that raises my fight or flight hormones and shoots spikes of anxiety up my shoulder blades.
Sometimes I disassociate. It’s also a coping mechanism. It’s a survival mechanism for the brain.
When we tug on a thread and unravel much more than we intend, it’s hard to cut it off neatly and tuck in the lose remnants. I’ve learned to be cautious on how much I allow to unravel at one time, so not to overwhelm my system. But there are days when some unwanted memories break like a dam and flood my brain.
On those days I go to bed. Take a time out. Doesn’t happen often anymore, but there was a time when it effected me daily for years.
I’ve learned that staying busy helps me cope. Finding the balance of busy is very important. Because the worst thing I can do is not acknowledge a painful past moment. And slip back into the habit of numbing emotions and wishfully thinking they’ll go away forever. They don’t. I’ve just learned how to cope with them.
Some people say, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I’m not so sure that’s just a polite way of dismissing a difficult conversation. I think God helps me most when I’ve felt pushed to the brink. When I’ve questioned why I even got out of bed to try and face the unthinkable, unimaginable and the sometimes perceived horror of my own life’s realities.
And then suddenly as quickly as that thread unraveled, I’ve found a needle and mended the distressed fabric. The emotion that tried to lie to me and tell me I wasn’t strong enough to handle my life journey. The thought or comment that discounted my reality and minimized the effects it had on my soul.
My message to anyone reading today, is that we all have traumas we have experienced. You know the memory, the one that fills you with fear even though the event happened days, months or years ago. The worst thing any of us can do is to compare our scars and scrapes to others. When it comes to trauma, comparing is the equivalent of dismissing. There’s no such thing as, “he or she has had it far worse than me.” or My favorite, “Boy she’s a bigger mess than me.”
Trauma is not a hurdle. Trauma is more like fast moving water we have to cross barefooted with slippery stones underneath. Sometimes it helps to pick up our heads and see who is waiting on the other side. The survivors who have crossed from one side to another and sometimes back again. Making it safely every time.
God is the light that helped me find my way, even in pure darkness. And that is why I have been able to overcome everything that has been put in my path. Not because God gave it to me, but because my faith helped me make it through.